In-between believer.

Recently I have been very interested in the show Long Island Medium on TLC. If it wasn't being shown on the television, I would find episodes on YouTube because I have become so addicted to watching this woman who claims to talk to spirits.
Before I started watching the show, I didn't really have an opinion on whether people can actually talk to spirits or not but then this loud, funny and big-hearted lady came along and captured my attention. Having an open space apartment meant that my parents were also aware of this woman and, just like the rest of the world, their opinions were divided. My mum, a woman who has previously been to a medium, was as amazed as I was at the accuracy within her readings. My dad, on the other hand, was as sceptic as ever, refusing to be in the room when the show was on.
I threw myself into the life of Theresa Caputo and even considered going to see a medium myself. It wasn't until this morning when I was looking for her official website that I found a link ''Theresa Caputo: Real or Fake?" Normally when I like something so much, I don't allow myself to be aware of the negativity around it, yet I couldn't stop myself from reading the article. By the end of it, I was heart broken, knowing that I could never watch the show again without doubting everything she says. (Needless to say, I will still watch the show!) The article made general points that applied to every medium out there and I found myself associating those points with specific things that she says during her readings. People were posting comments, begging the author to expose what a phony she is, complaining about how she gains profit through conning innocent people. I disagree. I feel like life is a con. If I was a sales girl in a designer store, I would feel bad about encouraging people to spend an extortionate amount of money on something that should cost 10% of the price shown. Similarly, if I was a bank manager charging ridiculous interest rates - it's a con! We all have to make a profit in life and Theresa Caputo does it the way she knows best.
So let's not be too harsh on these psychics, I really believe that this woman is a genuine person. Regardless of whether or not she actually has "special powers," she provides people with the closure they need to move on and be at peace following the passing of their loved ones.

Re-write myself.

I love writing. The idea of having a successful blog or having my own column in a magazine or newspaper or even (and this is really dreaming big) being an editor of a magazine really appeals to me. When I first started blogging, my first few posts were about things that people could relate to. I used to try writing a post once a week, but that decreased to once a month and before I knew it I was stuck with writers block and I would go months forgetting about my blog.
Then I moved abroad and decided to blog about my gap year. I did this for a few reasons: 1) to keep my  family updated on what I'm up to; 2) so I could remember everything that I got up to on my gap year and  3) to keep up with writing.
But what am I really writing about? Just myself. I never wanted to be one of those writers where every post is about their every movement. Yes, I have to include myself a little when blogging about my gap year but I feel it has become too self-absorbed. Yet, what else do I have to write about? This is a small island and in all honesty (especially at this time of the year) there's not much to do. I want to find the writer I used to be. I want to blog about things that people actually care about.
I need to find something that interests me, something that will keep me inspired and something that I can be creative with. My gap year is about finding myself and this is a part of me that I really want to dive into.

Losing myself.

I have spent the past 14 years in full time education and now I find myself doing nothing. Granted, I spend time with my family and Sean but I don’t do anything productive with my days and consequently, I’m beginning to feel restless. At the same time, my mind is having a battle against itself. One part of it is reminding me that I will be starting a new job very soon and in the meantime, I have the resources to be doing some studying at home so that I’m not a complete idiot by the time I go to university. Another part is like the devil. It lacks motivation and is becoming increasingly lazy. Unfortunately, this part is winning. Some days I find myself staying in bed until ten thirty and spending all afternoon sat on the laptop, wasting time playing games or constantly scrolling on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. I’m lethargic, I eat for no reason and the thought of a run feels more like a have-to than a want-to. I’m becoming a slob.

As I’m writing this, a part of me (the devil) is telling me I’m being harsh on myself but I’m hoping that reading it back and saying it out loud online will give me the wake-up call I need. Not many people I know chose to take a gap year but one person I know is definitely making more of it than I am. She is teaching children a skill in a foreign language and I am so happy for her yet envious of the opportunity she has been given. My teachers told me that my gap year would be one of the best years of my life… Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy living here and everything but I just feel like I should be doing more.  

I need some new batteries and some inspiration. So I think it’s time I got off my arse and found some.

Date night - Saturday 1st February 2014

All my life I've always said I never want to be a housewife. Staying home and cooking and waiting for a man to get home was never my idea of a life. And it still isn't but I have to say that that is what I'm doing right now - and I enjoy it! Of course I'm not actually married and I don't want to be doing this for the next 60 years but tonight I'm cooking and baking for Sean and it feels nice. I look forward to seeing him on an evening and making a fuss. What am I turning into!?

Tonight I'm cooking (with my mum as assistant chef for the tricky stuff) pork chops with potato, Yorkshire puddings, vegetables and gravy, as well as baking a huge love heart shaped chocolate cake because i'm feeling extra soppy...

Top - New Look; Skirt - Miss Selfridge; Shoes - New Look

I also decided to make an effort in my appearance, seen as it's Saturday night. A girl likes to get dressed up!

And to finish the night off, a nice snuggle session on the sofa, catching up on Shameless. 

All in all, a wonderful evening!

It's time to grow up.

Is it just me, or was 2013 the fastest year yet? In my opinion, time seems to be moving faster than I can appreciate the days. Even though 2014 has only just begun, summer will have been and gone (although I get a much longer and better one living here on this sunny island) and the festive season will be back before we know it.

The start of the new year brings me the opportunity of looking for another job as hotels are beginning to reopen and vacancies are appearing. Another opportunity arising is the availability of places at The University of Malta. I recently checked my emails to find that The University of Liverpool had declined my application. Okay, I had no intentions of going anymore anyway because I want to start my life properly here in Malta but the rejection has knocked my confidence severely. Not only am I waiting for a call that should have rang yesterday from a job interview that I had last week, I'm terrified that The University of Malta will not want me either. To be honest, I don't think I can take much more and if it weren't so cold outside, I'd consider throwing myself in the sea.

These lack of options are forcing me to look at new options for myself. But what I am supposed to look at when I don't even know what other options appeal to me? How, at nineteen years old, am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life when a degree might not be an option anymore and most employers value either a degree or 'life experience' and I don't have either of those things?
Granted, I might be freaking out a bit too much but when all these things happen at once, it kind of hits you a little harder than if they happened six months apart. There are part time and full time courses available at a college here but if I don't know what career I want, how am I supposed to know which course to apply for?
There is also an extreme option which could help me get into The University of Malta if my application is rejected first time... I could go back to school full time and sit exams until I get enough credits to be accepted onto the course that I want. Why is it extreme? Ever moved to a new school where everyone is already friends and you're the new kid? Try doing that at nineteen years old. I can't just walk up to someone and say ''Want to play tea parties with me?'' like a brave five year old would. Children are brave and the older we get, the less brave we are. Social expectations and caring too much about what other people think stops us from saying what we really mean and doing what we really want - unless you're the kind of person who has the balls to do those things.

So maybe it's time to break my unfortunate chain of rejection, be headstrong about the person I want to be and grow a pair!

One to remember.

When I thought about my birthday being spent in Malta this year, I imagined myself worshiping the sun on a sandy beach with a cold vodka and orange to sip on. Being born in November has meant that every year I've had to deal with freezing cold temperatures and this year I was quite looking forward to a refreshing change. Except my perception of Malta in winter is entirely wrong. Although the temperature never actually gets to freezing, I certainly felt cold enough to be wearing three layers and my UGG boots. Yet, despite the weather, I still had the most enjoyable birthday ever.
I was treated to not one, but two overnight stays in a hotel. On the actual day of my birthday, my parents took me to the Seabank Hotel in Mellieha for an all inclusive 24 hours of all you can eat, all you can drink and a full body massage to die for. For the weekend, my gorgeous Maltese boyfriend, Sean, took me over to Gozo where we stayed at the Grand Hotel in a Superior room and contemplated never leaving. Both hotels were superb and I couldn't fault them.
The only thing my birthday was lacking was the presence of my family and friends back in England. But not to worry, I'll be happy to celebrate to the fullest when I come home for a couple of weeks at Christmas.

             

To live will be an awfully big adventure.

How do you know if you're making the right decision? Do you have to wait and see if works out? Seems a bit unfair, in my opinion, that the only way of knowing is if it blows up in your face or not...
I love surprises, I really do. And that's what life is - a surprise. None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year. If someone offered me the chance to see what my life would be like in 5 years time, I probably wouldn't take it. What's the point? If you liked it, you'd be conscious about every decision between the present and that future moment. If you didn't, you'd be constantly aware of the fact that your life is heading in a direction that you don't want it to go.
I can't speak for the entire population but I think people like to plan. I know I do. I take comfort in knowing where I'm heading, like it gives me a purpose. A levels, degree, masters, job. If only it was so simple. Life likes to jazz things up a bit. It throws curve balls at you and you can either hit a home run or strike out.